


under the gun

by jessamoo



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-19 15:57:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3615747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of burzek one shots</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the prompt 'adam is worried when kim is in danger'

He's staring at the lockers as he sits on the bench, as if they can give him some kind of answer.

Ruzek looks down at his hand - he's surprised to find himself balling it into a fist, surprised to find it shaking, his knuckles straining.

It didn't matter how strong his hands were. It didn't matter how many scum bags he threw against a wall. Didn't matter how many cups of coffee he gently passed to grieving widows. Didn't matter that he used these hands to pick Kim up, touch her face, feel her hair in his fingers. 

None of that mattered, because he couldn't do anything to help her.

She was gone, again, and he couldn't do anything.

Just like last time, he'd felt a niggling, persistent feeling, at the back of his mind all day. She had missed his call, then another and then three more until he knew, he knew without a doubt that something was wrong. He wasn't just a worrying boyfriend - he knew her more than he knew himself, and he knew when she was in danger. He knew from some silent place deep within himself that belonged to only her.

But he didn't know how she was in danger, or where. Their squad car had been found, but without them in it and no clue as to where they were. He felt completely useless, felt as lost as she was, out in the cold somewhere. Would she know he was thinking of her? Would she feel him searching for her, would she wait as long as she could? He couldn't tell. But he knew she would hold on, because that's who she was. He just had to do his part, and he wasn't doing it very well at all. He was failing her.

Before he knew what he was doing, his fist exploded with bright red pain.

He'd jumped to his feet and slammed it against the cold metal locker.

Adam breathed heavily, not quite understanding. He flexed his fingers experimentally.

Then he rolled them back up and punched the locker again. And again, and again and again until there was nothing else, no one else, just the pain in his hand, feeling like it was his anchor in the world somehow.

"Hey! Hey, hey!" 

Arms wrap round his, two pairs of arms, and drag him away, thrashing and struggling, and Al and Antonio push him back down on the bench.

"What the hell are you doing kid?" Al asks, his arms out questioningly as Antonio inspects the huge dent in the locker.

"Don't worry, its just Roman's locker. It'll teach him not to go missing again." 

They all look up and see Jay hovering in the door way.

Adam rolls his eyes. "What is this, a boys club meeting? Why are you all in here?"

"Destruction of property is a serious felony." Antonio says, leaning against the locker and raising his eyebrow at him.

Adam sighs, not meeting his eye. 

"Give us a minute, would you guys?" Al asked, and silently the other leave. They know, just like Adam knows, the Al can calm him down and fully intended to do so. Adam was grateful and resentful in equal measure right then.

"Let me see your hand."

Adam shoves his hand in Al's direction without a word and lets his friend assess the damage to his bleeding knuckles.

"So, you want to talk about it?" Al asks, though Adam gets the idea that it isn't really a request.

He sighs again and shakes his head. "I don't know how to help her."

"Well this isn't helping her, is it?" Al replies, letting go of his hand, which was now starting to hurt a hell of a lot after the initial shock, or trance, or whatever it was that made him think slamming it against the locker was a good idea.

"Last time...when she came back...You guys all saw her getting on with life again, you saw her being applauded, saw the way she survived. And I know she's strong...but I saw what it did to her. I had to hold her at night because she was terrified of noises in the street, or because she had a nightmare. I had to wake up to an empty bed because she was staring at her gunshot in the mirror, wondering why this kind of thing kept happening to her. I had to see the bad parts...I had to see what it did to her and I never wanted her to get hurt like that again. And now..."

Al sighs and nods, listening. "Kid, I know you love her...But first of all, she's a cop. It's awful, but she's going to be in danger and you can't always keep her from it no matter how hard you try, and I don't think she'd want you too."

Well, that was true, at least.

"It doesn't matter that you couldn't keep Kim from danger this time. What matters is that you help her get out of it. And you will. And when she comes home, your going to see all the bad parts again. Your going to do all of it...again. And your always going to, because that's what she's going to need. But right now she needs you to find her. You can rest up, go home, if that's what you need to do. Or you can put some ice on that hand and come back to work."

Adam stared at his hand again. He was hurting himself down here - but she could be hurt even worse. What was he doing? Freaking out because the woman he loved was missing - but he was so focused on not knowing how to help her that he hadn't even been trying.

"Can you get me some ice?"

 

"Hey darling." He whispers, and he sees her smile drowsily. Even half broken and bruised and bleeding, she smiles at his voice. Even if she hasn't managed to open her eyes yet, to understand, she knows he's there.

He hopes she knows he always will be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the prompt 'future!fic, Adam seeing kim in her wedding dress"

He feels like he's going to throw up. Or cry, or something.

His fingers are shaking and he can't stop pacing round the room.

"Is it hot in here? Feels hot in here." Adam reaches up to start pulling his tie down and Antonio grabs his hand swiftly to stop him.

"Sit down." He orders, and after Adam is pushed unceremoniously into a chair and glass of whiskey is promptly pressed into his hand.

"It's your wedding, your freaking out, that's normal."

"Is it? I feel like it isn't - or if it is maybe it shouldn't be." Adam feels his breathing quicken again as Antonio rolls his eyes.

They were in the back of the church, waiting for his wedding to start. Him, Antonio and the others - his father was also around here somewhere but everyone had conveniently disappeared as he grew more agitated.

Finally the day was here. He'd been more excited than he ever had been the first time he'd been engaged. When he was with Wendy, he'd mostly proposed because it had seemed the right thing to do. All their friends kept hinting at it, so he'd just done it because he thought, why not? He cared bout her, it would have been an easy enough life. He never in a million years thought he'd meet the love of his life straight afterwards. He always had shitty timing when it came to romance.

But meet the love of his life he had, and since he'd worked up the courage to propose to her he had eagerly been awaiting the day that he finally got to marry her. And ow it was here and he was completely, totally and utterly freaking out.

What if she realised that she was way too good for him? What if she'd met George Clooney in a coffee shop and run off with him? What if on the way to the church she'd witnessed a bank hold up and had to rescue several orphans and puppies single handed? 

Oh god, this was terrible. He groaned and put his head between his knees as Antonio pats his back reassuringly.

"When I was getting married I tried to climb out a window. Now I'm not saying all us guys are commitment phobes...but getting married is a big deal."

"Yeah! Yeah it is and you aren't making me feel better!" Adam yells at the floor.

"Let me finish."

Finally Adam looks up, hearing the calm tone of his friend.

"It's a big deal and your freaking out, but not because you aren't ready...its because you love her so much that you're terrified of screwing up. But the only way you're going to do that is if you're not waiting for her at the top of that altar. So you need to go out there, because I promise that all of this is going to go away as soon as you see her."

 

And it did.

He couldn't really tell you what the dress was made from, or how many beads it had on it or any of that - though it looked like a lot. What he could say, beyond a doubt, is that seeing her walk in, sunlight blazing behind her like some kind of holy light, it was everything. That single moment was everything. He was calm, and happy, because he knew. He knew more than he'd ever known anything that he was exactly where he needed to be. He knew everything would be all right, because she was here, and she looked like that, and she was smiling at him.

He grinned at her as she came to stand next to him. Her wedding dress had the softest looking skirt, it rippled round her legs like water. The bodice was tight and beaded with no sleeves and he stares at the hollow of her collarbone. He knew her so well, all of her, but best of all he knew her face, and he knew she was happy.

He wanted to make her that happy everyday. And this moment was the start.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the prompt 'coda of 2.9 and 2.10'

She listens to Roman and Jen arguing, her eyes closed, head bumping against the passenger window. Somehow even that is preferable. Maybe if she knocked herself out she wouldn't have to hear all this. Again.

"We are not going to break up."

Adam's words float back to her and Kim imagines she can feel him there, his hips pressed against hers like they had been when she was back against that wall, and they were alone, and he kissed her in that way only he could - in the way that always calm her down, no matter how neurotic she was being.

Maybe these guys could use that tactic, she thinks, as even Jen's dog droops down forlornly at the sound of mom and dad bickering.

"You need to be professional - " Jen cuts in sharply, shattering Kim's reverie.

"I need to be professional? Says the back seat driver giving me evils in the mirror, like that's so professional - "

Kim blanks out again, glad her own relationship hadn't got to this stage yet and hoping it never would.

 

Had they been arguing? She couldn't remember.

To be honest she can't remember anything.

Somewhere in the background she can see flashing lights. Sirens, probably. Why were they here? Why were they above her litke that?

She couldn't feel anything. She thinks her arm is moving but when she blinks, she can't see them in front of her face.

Why was everything damp? She could smell damp, like going outside after rain.

She doesn't know what's happening - her heartbeat is so loud - she didn't know it could sound so loud.

She closes her eyes to drown it out. She's starting to panic, she can feel it rising up in her throat. She wants to scream and cry and rage, but she can't move, she can't think or see or understand anything.

And then she hears it. It's not as good as a kiss, but almost. Maybe under the circumstances, its even better.

Adam's voice floats to her through the darkness, like its calling to her, like its letting her know she's still in the world she knew.

He's there, he's near, he's in the same place as you. You are together, you aren't alone. Whatever is happening, you aren't alone, she thinks. It takes her a little while, her thoughts are coming slow and sluggish and she's struggling to hold onto them properly.

His voice fades in and out of the darkness and she has to concentrate - she's concentrating harder than she has in her life.

"I swear to God! Do you hear me?"

Who was Adam shouting at? Was he shouting at her?

No, he would never shout at her like that.

"She shouldn't have been alone and you know it! What the hell were you thinking?"

"Ruzek come on, this is not helping!" Lindsay calls.

"Listen to me Roman - If she dies - you die!"

"Come with me - Man, stop it, come with me now!"

Then all the voices fade away. They leave her and she can't call them back.

She hadn't been alone, but she was now, all alone, except for the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: coda for 2.15

Adam is holding her as tight as he dares, but she can feel his hesitance.

He's trying not to hurt her, she knows, but right now she can't stand it. It's a reminder - a startling, sharp kind of gentleness that emerges when trauma cuts through you, leaves you in shards, the kind of gentleness you can't stand.

So she turns, or tries to, and winces in pain.

He sits up, he'd been on quick alert for any kind of pain.

"What is it? Are you OK?"

"Yes, I'm fine!" She snaps, a little ungratefully she knows. "I just want to turn over without feeling like I have a bullet lodged in my shoulder."

"Kim!" Adam starts and then shakes his head, closing his eyes. "Don't - Do not say that. OK? Can you please not say that?" He asked gently.

"Are you going to help me?" She hisses, but a little calmer this time.

Adam concedes, sits up properly and, as carefully as if she were made of glass, he helps her turn to face him.

As she's looking up at him, staring down at her with those wide, concerned eyes, she sighs. She doesn't even have the patience to be mad, not a him, not at anything really. She doesn't have the energy. She's feeling nothing, like that outpouring, that flood, that tsunami in the locker room had left her empty now.

But she doesn't want to be empty. She has never been, and she doesn't want to start now. Not when someone she loves is brushing her hair from her face like its the only thing that matters in the world.

She wasn't empty, she wasn't angry. She wasn't going to let this thing, this war on her body, turn her into someone she wasn't.

"Can you just...do that for a while? Till I fall asleep?" She whispered. "Maybe that way things will be better when I wake up. Do you think that's a thing? Maybe not...I mean, last time I fell asleep I was bleeding out on a pavement and then you were still there when I woke up."

"Darling, whether or not you go to sleep bleeding or safe in bed, it doesn't matter. I'll be here when you wake up. I'll always be here."

 

She closes her eyes and prays that he's right. Because it's the only thing that gets her through that first night. And the next, and the next. 

She'll have to do all this for him one day. Maybe more than once. And she hopes that she can. She hopes she's strong enough, full up enough, alive enough. She hopes she can make him feel the way she does when he strokes her hair all night just because she asked him to.

(He doesn't tell her this, but she does, when the time comes.)


End file.
